This is a bunch of BULL…….

•February 3, 2011 • Leave a Comment

"What's the bloody rush?" (Top Secret)

As I sit back and think of the last time I wrote in my blog, I start to get a headache because I keep thinking about the date and nothing is coming to mind.  That’s when you know you have one of two things:  (1) Writers’ block or (2) Don’t seem interested.  “The survey says” that it is neither.  I simply don’t have any time to sit down, think random thoughts, and express them on paper.

But today seems a little different.  I think I have turned over a new leaf or some sort of leafy-object.  Either way, this will be the start of me trying to put my random, crazy thoughts on paper (or in this case, a long blurb about nothing – why does Seinfeld come to mind?).  For today’s simple challenge, I will think about things that bothered me while I was watching a basketball at the Staples’ Center.

The Annoying Kid Holding Up A Large Sign In Front of Me:  Okay, I have to hand it to the kid for being incredibly original by creating a Blake Griffin sign.  It was actually pretty cool that this kid took the time out of his busy day (filled with playing outside, eating, studying, PS3, skateboarding, etc…) to get some thoughts together so he could create something so ‘BIG’.  Might I add that it was so big, that this sign covered literally half of my line of sight.   It got to the point where I was thinking of ways to destroy that sign.  I know that would be mean, but this kid was annoying me with constant badgering of the Bulls’ players.  He was acting like a 12 year old Bill Walton (Clipper’s commentator) except I couldn’t switch the channel.  To top it all off, I know this kid wanted to get the cameraman’s attention so he could be seen on the television.  I thought to myself, there is no way was that going to happen.  Little did I know, when the kid went to the restroom with his dad/brother (or whatever the hell this relative was), the camera actually panned to our section.  To my amusement, I saw myself on television scarfing down some nachos.  Aww yes, the joys of getting back at that kid.  The best part of the night was me rubbing it in that kid’s face by saying “I am glad our whole section got on TV”.  The look on that kid’s face was priceless.  Karma baby!

The Grande-Nachos:  As I was being shown on the big screen above the Staples’ Arena as the spoke-person of how to scarf down a whole tray of nachos in less than 30 seconds, I thought to myself that this nacho meal should in no way affect me later on tonight.  Yeah, I was wrong.  As I was speeding down the 60 freeway, at times almost hitting the speed of light; my stomach felt like I was taking a million jabs from Mr. Pacquiao himself.  Thank God I didn’t spread on the jalapenos.  If I did, I would be writing this blog from my white porcelain electric chair (wait, I have to flush – just kidding or am I?).

The Seat Jumpers:  I am going to let you all in on a secret of mine:  When I have gone to any type of sporting event (past or present), I have never-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever gone and jumped seats in my life.  Call me old fashion or just plain lazy or someone that believes in sitting in seats that you paid for, I just never had the urge to jump from my seats to closer ones.  I don’t know why it bothers me.  Maybe it’s because if I have crappy seats and you’re next to me, damn it, you have to suffer with me.  In all honesty, this does not bother me.  I don’t mind if people do it around me, that is there perogative.  I mean, just because I don’t do it myself, it does not mean I think it is wrong (it’s a MORAL thing, I guess).  Anyways, on with the story.  This guy (in front of me) decides that he is going to switch seats.  Thinking that they were going to jump in seats closer to the action because there were a bunch of open seats in our section; him and his girl decide that they are going to jump back one row next to me.  I don’t know why this annoyed me so but it did.  I guess it was because they were Clipper fans and that they knew the couple next to them.  Also, I guess it was because I was annoyed with the two couples constantly talking during the game.  Maybe that was the annoying part.  Either way, this guy was talking to his girlfriend and it caught my attention for some reason.  I don’t what they were talking about but my mind was not focused on the game.  And after the game, I could not think of what went on in the 4th quarter.  I wish these two kids would have just stayed in their own row so I won’t have to listen to them.  I should have been a punk and told the security on them.  That would have been awesome!  Freakin’ Clipper fans!

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Been Way toooooooo Long!

•November 5, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Wow, it’s been a month and I have nothing more to say then……where did the time go?  As a lot of things have gone on in my life, some good and some bad, I think it is time to return to what makes me happy.  I do not know how writing became a part of me but it is awesome to know that I make each one of you laugh.  As yesterday was Thanksgiving, I know there is a lot of things to be thankful for and one of them is the fact that I can make people laugh uncontrollably (Another thing to be thankful for is the fact that I brought a jacket today because I am looking outside and it looks cold.  Additionally, I don’t understand why people who have no sweater or jacket on, decide to wear scrubs to work and sit outside to eat their breakfast.  Dude, I know you are cold because you have snot-icicles coming out of your nose).  Anyways, on to the funny!

Advertisement Fail – I don’t know if the store included kitchen goods in the men’s section at the store, but either way……it is really confusing to guys.  I would understand if the kitchen goods were in the women’s section (Hahahaha! I know that was a bad one but I had to do it).

Unbreakable……Gone Wrong! – This is a classic example of people having a “super-hero complex”.  I don’t know if these guys should be convicted of a crime.  I think they did the world a favor by getting rid of this guy.  Okay, okay, okay…..that was really mean!  I’m sorry if I offended anyone.  I never condone people getting killed in any case but when a gun is in your face and two guys ask you “are you bullet proof?”……the first answer should NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOO!……all while you run like a marathon runner or a Black Friday shopper at the local Old Navy.

Spelling Bee Champion Makes a Hat- I don’t think the person who made this hat had the C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S spirit in them.  It’s crazy that they let illiterate people sew or even sell merchandise.

Confusion…….. – Puzzled, confused, conflicted, etc…???  I am!  I think the person who created the hat above also made this bag.  They thought they would make everyone confused.

“Hotness” – I don’t know about you guys, but I think she just beat out Jessica Alba in my books.  And with that dress too……just hot.  I can’t believe some women think  that this dress would work for them.  I honestly think this is where the Olympic Gymnast go shopping.  I don’t know about her, but if she came into a bar/club looking like this, she better have a good floor routine or backflip if she is planning on impressing anyone.

Introducing, The Bank-Robber Family…… – I don’t know if this family wants to go out looking like this, especially the one in the white hood.  I know the child under that hat is getting beat up soon by everyone in his/her neighborhood.  On the positive side, I think this family would get their food order faster at the local McDonald’s if they came in dressed like this (you know how people are and their McRib).

Hmmm…..Where is the ketchup? – There is nothing like hot dog flavored gum…..especially when you top the gum with onions, ketchup, and mustard.  I could taste it already……..hmmmmm……  Just like Costco, you get a drink with every purchase of this gum.

Spelling Bee Champion goes for a job! – You know, I ‘m not perfect when it comes to filling out a job application.  Sometimes, I think faster than I write and I forget words….so that’s why I ask for two applications.  I usually catch myself forgetting words with the first application.  But to misspell words on an application, especially when it talks about wages, that’s just inexcusable.  I hope this guy/girl filled out another one.  Wait, this person probably got the job and created either the hat or backpack in the previous captions.

Confusion…..Again! – “So wait……the items in this store either cost less/more than $.98.  Ummmmmm……whoever made this sign is genius.  The best way to get people to purchase products is to confuse them.

Someone may need to read instructions carefully….. – Someone needs to read their safety manual over…..and over…..and over…..and over…..  And even after that, they would probably still double stack products when the sticker clearly states not to.  Awesome!

The Wand Man………. – I hate the airport security as it is already but this is just crazy.  It’s bad enough that when I go to the airport, I practically walk through the scanning door naked but now I have to worry about some strange, deranged, pervert playing with his wand……and I am not talking about the one he hovers over your body.  This caption should actually read AIRPORT SECURITY FAIL…..  But I bet it would be a different story if it were Jessica Alba doing body scans……in that case……I’m wearing metal all over my body.  SCAN….SCAN……SCAN……SCAN……

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: The Real Story – I read the caption and decided that this is the real life Charlie Brown story.  Poor Charlie, he gets depressed because his girl cheated on him.  Honestly, there is only one place to go after you get dumped and that is VEGAS……..  It is the best place to get married, especially to a woman you met that night.  As things are going great, you discover she has more baggage then you know (like 3 kids waiting for mommy to bring home the new daddy)……..sounds like a good weekend to me.  This is the perfect Thanksgiving story.

It has been a long time……

•October 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

How the heck have you been?  I know, I know, I have been neglecting to write a post for all you special people.  Do not worry, I have written a little something to feed your little reading addiction (you addicts).  I thought some of these captions would be appropriate and all since Halloween is coming upon us.  I hope this does not scare you.  I hope you all enjoy and be safe out their kiddies!

Parenting Fail! – What is this guy thinking?  Saving his beer is a priority, I guess.  I have a kid and I dare not to even think about not putting him in the car seat.  If I did neglect to put in the car seat, my wife would freak and put the beat down worse than the police.  All I know is that this beer better not be MGD or Coors Light; he better have the good stuff.

Display Win – The designer of this display gets the “Golf Clap” from me.  My wife and I got a pumpkin for my son and we could barely do a cut out of a happy face (actually my wife did all the work).  If we had to design something like this, it would take us FOOOORRRREEEEVVVVVEEEEERRRR (in my Squints Paledoris’ voice – the Sandlot).

Hey, it’s the Law! – I could see it now, all the perverts come out of the woodwork.  I could imagine that this sign would get them all to work on time.

Excitement, excitement, excitement…..oh wait! – This is a best seller in the snoring section.  I think they put this section right next to the Golden Girls DVD collection.  Mark:  I can’t wait to see the new quilting ideas I can get out of these books.  James:  Hey wait, these are not the nude magazines you promised.  Mark:  Oooops!  We’ll just get those at the next stop.

Arrrrrrr-regato, Mr. Roboto! – Japanese pirates are awesome.  I think that would be a good battle to see:  Tom Cruise as the Last Samurai versus Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow.  I do not know who makes these packages but they should be fired for confusing everyone.  I think they should take a class on characters before they make these packages.

Good Advertising! – Hahahaha!  I could imagine this person is a male.  He just wants to voice his freedom.  He was probably telling his ex-wife “Give us free” like in Amistad.

Beer sales on the rise! – I think the sales in alcohol will go up in this town.  Stiles:  Dude, just show him your school ID and he will give you the beer.  We are golden.  Scott Howard:  Are you sure?  I could just show him my wolfman look again and he could give me the keg again.  Stiles:  No, no, no….you don’t have to do that anymore.  Didn’t you read the sign outside the door?  He will just give us the beer with a picture ID now.  (Yes, this is a Teen Wolf reference)

Childhood games gone wrong! – I bet this guy was not good at “hide and seek”.  If you are a criminal and you are hiding, do not answer out when you are on the run.  Note to self:  Do not respond when someone yells “Marco”.

Robin, jump on…lets get these bandits! – I do not know if I should be laughing or what.  Either way, this person has an imagination.  Hey wait, maybe this is the same guy who created the jack-o-lantern display at the store.  One question though, how did he stack them up with a wheelchair.  MAGIC!@$#%

Shoplifter punishment WIN! – I think all shoplifters should be punished like this.  Except, I would make them parade outside the store and stand on the side of the street twirling the sign like one of those advertisement guys.  Better yet, he would have to pass out cards like those guys in Vegas; and on the card it read “I got caught shoplifting”.  They would have to do the whole slap thing too.  By the way, I hate those guys but that is an awesome job!

Man, I can’t stand you at all….

•October 18, 2010 • Leave a Comment

After a week of well deserved time off, I am again back to the daily grind.  To tell you the truth, it was really hard to come back to work considering that I wanted to stay in bed and sleep the rest of the day.  But I got through the work day with no problems, so I actually had to say it was a good day.  But still, I was able to find things that really bother me.  They were lingering in my mind the whole day that I had to talk about them.  I really feel the need to detail my frustations on paper or in this case, in a blog.  Get a drink, sit back, and read!

Neck strains aka Stiff necks (H8Squad) – Ever had a time when you were playing football, baseball, tennis, etc…(any sport that deals with a lot of arm movement) and after the game, you get a sports’ related injury.  How is that possible?   To answer that question, IT IS VERY POSSIBLE!  I am a good example of ghost injuries.  I call it a ghost injury cause it did not actually happen in the game but it was sports related.  After my softball game, I came home and decided to hit the showers because, in my opinion, smelling like a wildabeast is not very sexy.  While in the shower, I made a sudden movement to get the shampoo (I would have said soap but some of you dirty-minded kiddies who read my blogs  may have thought I dropped the soap) and felt a minor tweak in my upper neck region.  As I finished my shower and dried myself off, the pain increased little by little.  It was so bad that it even radiated to my upper back region.  How is the injury related to softball?  There was a slight pinch in my shoulder area when I threw the ball home from left field.  Imagine if you will, a base runner is on second and the batter hits a hard liner to left field.  Trying to prevent another run, I gunned the ball home to try to get the runner out.  My effort was all for nothing as the runner was able to score, and in return, I received some shoulder discomfort from almost throwing my arm out.  I was able to finish the game but the shoulder pain radiated to my neck and back.  It got worse throughout the night and in the morning, the fun started.  The next morning, I could not move my neck to the right without feeling that lovely knot in my right shoulder.  What makes this story more embarrassing is the fact that I look like Frankenstein when I try to look/turn to the right.  What’s worse is that my neck would almost get stuck in certain positions that I needed the assistance of both my hands to actually move my head back and forth.  You think that’s funny, you should see me driving and trying to look over to my blind spot!

Target (H8Squad) – When the devil decided to put up a store to attract people to buying anything and everything, he created one-stop-shopping stores such as Target and Walmart.  My wife and I keep joking that we can not go to Target without spending $100.  No matter what we are there to buy or what is on our shopping agenda, we are not leaving there without spending that $100, 1 bill, 1 fin, 1 honey-hundred, etc….  For example, we went there on a recent Target shopping spree to just get necessities for our son.  The little one needed some milk, juice, and diapers.  Everything was going well until wifey decided to pass by the children’s department, in which case, our shopping cart started to fill up.  Then we headed to home furnishing section, in which all hell broke lose.  Baby necessities turned into purchasing new curtains and curtain holders.  After that section, the food section was next and that brought about more snacks (for me, which is okay).  After, I thought we were done but we passed by the bathroom and beauty section.  That was the downfall of my Target trip.  But I have to admit, Target is smart because they put that section near the cashier section, which you have to pass by on your way out.  And the best thing about females….. they will always find something they need, even when they do not need it.  Our little trip to hell-on-Earth, I mean Target, set our family back a little, but we will survive.  It is crazy to think how much of a deathgrip Target has on my wife and I.  It is so bad that we actually rely on that store for everything.  I think I am going to talk to my employer to just pay me in Target gift certificates.

Awkward Run-ins at Restaurants (H8Squad) – Imagine this, you walk into your favorite restaurant or watering hole (that is another term for “bar” for all you late bloomers)….. you make your way to your table or favorite spot…..  you look at all the people eating, drinking, talking, etc…..  at this point, you are all smiles…..  THEN you glance to the side and you see someone you do not want to see…..  it could be a boss, co-worker, friend, ex-girlfriend/boyfriend…..  That scenario is all to common in Southern California for myself.  I think California is way to small for us.  In this latest example, my run-in involved my direct supervisors at my place of employment.  I mean I do not have issues with my superiors but then again, I could not really talk the way I want to…..  especially when I want to express frustrations with work.  It was awkward to say the least.  To make the story short, I had to be on my best behavior…..  talking proper and professional…..  until they left.  That is not the first/last awkward run-in.  I have had much worse.  Have you ever had the ex-girlfriends/boyfriends run-in.  Now, that is really uncomfortable for everyone involved.  What do you say to the girl/guy you dated for however long…..  especially when it ended badly.  I mean you could express your hatred for them and blame them for everything that went wrong in your life and how you wish them pain but what good would that solve (it actually feels really good to transfer your ‘hate’ energy on to them…..  I did that once and it was awesome).  But in this case, it is better to be civil then to cause a scene.  You can try the other options like hiding or looking away when you walk pass them but chances are, someone in their group will recognize you.  Or you can turn around and choose another restaurant/bar, but that would make you look weak.  Either route you take, just remember to be the better person and wait for them to approach/greet you…..  HAHAHAHA, that shows you do not have weakness and they do.

Are you kidding me? This has to be a joke, right?

•October 8, 2010 • Leave a Comment

 Well, well, well….it is Friday and I finally get a chance to breathe now.  I am wondering if you all thought I was going to skip your favorite post, which is about comedy.  No, I have not forgotten about you.  It has just been really hectic that I am barely to post something right now.  Anyhow, there are a lot of good ones in this week’s comedy section and I am sure that one of you will be bursting at the seams from all the laughing you will be doing.  Trust me, I could not stop laughing myself.  Let’s see how much you like this week’s pics.

Gone to Early: Edition 1 (Black Tie Dynasty, Gangstarr, Buddy Akai, the Rakes)

•October 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Remember when you hear good music from your favorite band (or in my case, BANDS) and think that they would stay together forever.  The band would go on to make 1 or 2 or even 3 good albums and great songs.  Life is good but then everything stops.  First, it starts off with the band taking some time off to rest and make their next album.  After that, rumors begin to swirl that one of the band members wants to go do a solo project.  Additionally, other rumors surface via Internet that there have been some disagreements amongst the group.  Then after much speculation, the news surfaces that the band has decided to go their own directions.  It is sad but very true.

This is an all to common occurance that happens in the musical world.  It is sad that musical artists seem very reluctant to solve any issues they have with the other group members.  They rather see their success go down the drain then to resolve any disagreements amongst each other.  The reason I have decided to talk to about this subject is because again, another group that I think was very good has decided to call it quits.  Over the past 2 years, I have seen a number of groups decide that the best solution is to disband.  And because this has occurred, there is no more favorite group, no more great albums, no more great concerts to attend, no more new album anticipation, no more music videos, no more happy fans, etc… the list could go on and on.  We all know it is part of the music industry that bands break-up and as a big music fan (just like the rest of you), it is still sad to see that this happens way to much.  With that being said, here is my list of groups (no particular order) that should have never broken up.  Additionally, if I had the power to bring back the dead, I would totally resurrect a couple of musical figures that have made an impact on my musical taste, so I had to include some of the groups that were forced to break up or add different members to accommodate the loss of a bandmate.

Black Tie Dynasty – Yes, I say this over and over again.  My wife and best friend are tired of me talking about how this band should have stayed together but they were forced to disband after some speculation that there have been musical differences within the group.  I was in shock because their new album was just released a couple of weeks prior to their break up.  Although I was able to see them on two occassions, it was still very sad to see that they could not keep it going.  What songs that Black Tie Dynasty has left us with:  I Like U, Tender, Pumpkin

Gangstarr – Why I put Gangstarr in here is because it was unfortunate that one of the greatest rappers had to leave us way to early.  Yes, I am talking about my man, GURU!  This lyricist is missed by many, including myself.  In prior blogs, I had mentioned how he expanded my Hip-hop taste.  Prior to listening to his rhyming, I was not really into the Hip-Hop musical genre.  But after listening to the Hard to Earn album, Gangstarr quickly turned my senses to the beauty of Hip-Hop.  Through the years, I would hear new songs from this group every so often and they would turn me to their new flavor but then, I would always come back to the original Hard to Earn album.  But when I found about the death of this Rap legend, my Hip-Hop heart stopped for a moment.  Iw as it was very sad not only for Hip-Hop but for his million of fans out there who love Gangstarr.  RIP GURU.  What Gangstarr left us with:  Hard to Earn album, Moment of Truth album

Buddy Akai – “Why oh why have you left us so early?”  Lately, that is all I have been talking about.  I do not know what the cause of death is for this group but I assume it is like any other disbandment.  Likely it is due to musical differences within the group.  In any case, this group was so good at making people dance whenever they took the stage and now that won’t be the case anymore.  What Buddy Akai left us with:  Cut Me Up (Villains Remix), I’ll Know, Junkie Kids album

the Rakes – Wow, this group was a heartbreaker.  I could not believe this group would have actually disbanded, especially 1 week prior to their Los Angeles concert, in which I was going to attend.  It hurt me so much that they decided to call it quits right before the event.  Although I was able to catch one concert before they broke up, it was still sad to see them gone.  “Doctor please resuscitate this group’s musical heart……(flatline)”.  Hey, it was worth a try, right?  What the Rakes left us with:  Capture/Release album, Ten New Messages album, Klang album….and great memories!

That will conclude my first edition of “Gone to Early”…..stay tuned when I will talk about other groups that left us to early.

There is no love here…….

•October 4, 2010 • Leave a Comment

There are times when I take things to far and I should have kept my big mouth shut, especially when it comes to talking about my sport’s teams.  The whole entire week prior to last night’s game, I had been talking about my favorite football team and how they would dispose of their rival team.  To sum it all up, I was making a bold statements to numerous of friends and co-workers by predicting that their team would be losing horribly at the hands of my mighty football team.  Little did I know (maybe the other team heard my bold statements and decided to get their act together) that after the blow out loss, people would sending me texts and leaving voice messages of how awful my team played.  This morning at work,  I was forced to walk into work with my head down and my co-workers laughing at my grief.  It got to the point that my own boss decided to make a comment of how bad they played (it’s okay though, her favorite player is older than dirt and they are still in the bottom of the division).  In the past couple of years, I thought about how this has happened to me on numerous occassions.  I do not jump on bandwagons (and I never will no matter how bad my teams are) but this has happened to me one to many times.

The Explanation (H8Squad) – My family, friends, and even co-workers know how much I love my sports and my sport’s teams.  When there is an important game, whether it is hockey, basketball, baseball, football, etc….I will always speak my mind and do some light-hearted trash-talking.  Like many other times, things did not go right and my team let me down by losing horribly.  It hurt so bad to watch my beloved team lose like that but they will live to fight another day.  But that was not the worse part, I realized last night that I would have to come into work and face all my peers.  When I arrived at work, I felt like I was the on death row.  The only thing needed was someone yelling in the background “Dead man walking!”.  Have you ever had to rationalize your team’s short comings to your friends?  You have to come up with explanations for your team’s poor play from “our quarterback had a broken arm prior to the game, our point guard has a broken leg and that’s why he couldn’t make a jump when he was shooting, our pitcher was up for 3 days doing relief work in Iraq and flew back here to pitch a game on 2 hours rest, etc…..”  I have had to come up with little white lies so my friends/co-workers/bosses would get off my back when my team sucked the day/night before.  It gets to the point where my wife tells me “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it”.  Man, she pointed it out right there but that is my problem, I like to talk too much when my team is winning and hide when they are losing.  It is actually pretty sad that I do this on a yearly basis because my teams have been losing a lot over the past couple of years.  It is not a great feeling and the only way to overcome this is if your team actually wins the championship.  Please oh please, let one of my teams win the championship…..so my trash-talking can commence again.

My Windshield Wipers (H8Squad) – This was a good invention for the automobile because it keeps unwanted water from sticking to your windshield and obstructing your view.  I thank God that I have these things on my car because the morning dew has a way of making life horrible by sticking on to my windshield and windows.  Although windshield wipers are a great invention, it can also work against you at the same time.  Like many of us, we buy new cars and think that the windshield wipers will last forever.  The truth is, we are supposed to change these things more than once a year.  Yup, I said it correctly.  You should change your windshield wipers more than once in a year.  The reason for the change is because the wipers are made with a thin rubber, which can dry up with time.  And when the rubber gets dry from heat, cold, rain, snow, etc….it becomes very hard and it does not repel water like it used to.  And over time, the rubber gets so flimsy that when you turn on your wipers, it actually tears the wiper and it does not wipe the water effectively.  It actually does the opposite, which is to spread the water on your windshield.  And when this happens, it makes visibility more difficult.  Why not change it?  Because we are way too lazy and we do not think about little important things like this.  And because we neglect these things, we complain in our cars that we can not see.  In some extreme cases (I hope this does not happen to anyone), our vision is so blurry with scattered water that we are involved or cause an accident.  Note to self:  Change my windshield wipers as soon as possible…wait, I can change that next time I go to Pep Boys….see how easy it is to neglect them….

If you are in Southern California, drive safely because it is slippery outside…..and someone please tell the O-line of the Chicago Bears that they need to protect the quarterback…..and the quarterback needs to stop holding on to the football and do a 3 step-drop-step and release the ball quicker.  Thanks!